i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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