I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
