I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize