I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
