How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
