why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
