we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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