My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
