The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
