Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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