I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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