I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
