The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
