can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
