I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
