I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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