Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
