her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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