so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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