i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I can't turn off my feet"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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