its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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