I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
