It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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