A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
