Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
