You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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