that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
