her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
