my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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