i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
