I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
