Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
