Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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