K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
