So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
