one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
