A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
