when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
