Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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