is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
