Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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