Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
