New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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