Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
