Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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