There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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