Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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