I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
