I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize