I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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