hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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