I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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