My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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