I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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