Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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