alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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