Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
