I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
