She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize