The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
